memoscan

0x773e…da42

All memos sent from and to 0x773e…da42.
0x773e46b1…da42sent to0x6fdbdb37…a95a·#22,849,996·0x70ca2267…28fd57
0x773E46b1b1A9B0e976c1e6774350f84eDb40da42i am anon online, i am more free than real life i can react emotionally and say things i regret. I can delete, "erase" my embarrassing moments if i like. in real life there are no do-overs, and i am forced to deal with the consequences of my words and actions. online i can be nice, complementary and supportive because it suits my selfish intentions, while in real life, i am usually the biggest jerk in the room, treating kindness as weakness. many ways i am better online, many ways i am worse if i could combine the good aspects of my online and IRL personas, i'd be a lot more pleasant to be around in both arenas
0x773e46b1…da42sent to0x6fdbdb37…a95a·#22,627,604·0x09d6f905…b1650e
0x773E46b1b1A9B0e976c1e6774350f84eDb40da42I regret to inform you that I have many. The one I think about the most though, That brings tears to met eyes now as I write, and almost every night as I drift to sleep. I met my girl on the side of the road,  there was a whole kennel of puppies looking for a home.  I stopped, and she left the pack in the center and stumbled over her droopy ears to come see me, and we played for an hour.  I finally said goodbye, and spent the night convincing myself i did not have the time or schedule to properly care for her, as i was working long hours and lived alone. I failed, the next day, i went back to bring her home. I had many ups and downs with her. She loves me unconditionally as I worked those long hours, left her alone some nights.  When I drank too much to give her the attention she craved.  She was still excited to see me when I returned home, or took a break from my video games to take her outside, if only a few minutes, so I could get back to my drinks, or games. I hated myself then and I hate myself now for it.  But I don’t think she ever did.  I always made her crawl in bed, or on the couch with me when I felt alone, scared, sick.  And she did, she was like a shadow that fit perfectly in my arms and she loved it.  But where was I when she needed me? Years later I married my wife, and life got better for everyone.  My wife worked from home and could give our girl the attention she needed.  She became my wife’s shadow during the day, but when I returned home, sober now, she was mine. After years of nagging but manageable health problems, she was diagnosed with a hernia in the stomach after a few weeks of what must have been very painful and invasive testing, false diagnosis and medications. Finally she just couldn’t eat.  Surgery was a very risky option, due to her age and location of the hernia.  The last week of her life we tried to make her eat, so that we would be comforted knowing she’d be getting better if she could stomach food.  I regret torturing her like that.  As she would turn her head from her favorite treats. The pain she was in kept her from sleep.  Each time she would swallow some food we would rejoice, only to be gutted when it almost instantly came back up.  She tried so hard for us.  She was fighting for me. On what would be her last night, she hadn’t eaten in days.  Her stomach was bloated with gas.  She was in pain.  She whined and howled and paced.  I moved a blanket out so I could lay on the floor with her.  She would not lay down.  She was trying to chew the carpet.  She was clearly uncomfortable.  Every time I got her to lay down and I’d doze off, she would wake me with her whines of pain.  I would comfort her and rub her stomach till she stayed still. I don’t know why, the last time I was woken up from her pacing and cries, I got angry, I gritted my teeth and yelled as quietly as I could to not wake my wife, to “stop it, lay down, and go to bed” I dragged her to me.  I instantly hated myself for my outburst.  I massaged her stomach and abdomen for the rest of the night to relieve her pain, but I will NEVER forget the look in her eyes when I lost my cool and scolded her. The next day was better.  She seemed to be improving.  We hung around the home.  During the evening, we watched tv as a family, all three of us on a blanket in the same room.  As we got up to move to our bedroom.  She didn’t move.  I coulda t shake her awake.  She was lifeless, but still breathing. We rushed to the pet hospital, and they got her back from cardiac arrest. They brought to a back room to let her recover in an oxygen tent, but came to inform us this was likely the end. When they brought her to the private room with us, she was still lifeless, but breathing. They laid her down by us, she cocked her nose towards my hand, then my wives, and then she was gone.  She had said her final goodbyes. I regret the time I wasted away from her. The time I was there, but too intoxicated to give myself to her.  I regret thinking we could go for a walk tomorrow which of course got put off for another tomorrow…. Most of all I regret that in her biggest time of need, in a time where she was only fighting to live for me, I let her down.  I got angry, and that look in her eyes when I snapped at her the night before she died, of shock, and surprise that the only one she had known her entire life would be so crass, and so selfish for a few hours of sleep, to yell and pull her back to lay down…. That moment haunts me every day of my life.  The only source of unconditional love I ever received, the joy she brought me, the lifetime of fond memories, and in her dying day I was unkind and unavailable when she needed me the most.
0x773e46b1…da42sent to0x6131b5fa…37b5·#18,538,670·0xde30cdf3…613c96
{"Source":"dextools","AmountInUSD":"211.546","AmountOutUSD":"235.90479984795837","Referral":"","Flags":1,"IntegrityInfo":{"KeyID":"1","Signature":"IfKJVo7opowKW+AuRakxeq8YJxMKj3GTh4I8h8K7hKKVX2Mkx8lg90KUHhnjG4nApFi9Q68ghNKtAp+pEIW7HPD4weCMZfZbYxxq6bksWuKhrI37bPjYoY+L0P0kUWaMztXpxFwAz50a39jBDYGHhgbJjBUT0hB+/PWpF91HAhZWgnU90Y60iKbdphPz/DCcEjL4wEu6jkyVyPSj4u16BWkA/jxwPC0xwWkxhledZ3PW7IsAp/iTWtMvOnH3cHx7Shv0qQvXxPr3CupFj1Oh1aRNUb3ieQ4aThC884OC9gfFEkllpsZFbjrTZ2RpFxT7J1WaUbumVtS2TM9KI9tDlw=="}}
0x773e46b1…da42sent to0x6131b5fa…37b5·#18,538,670·0x0e823c7c…fc9469
{"Source":"dextools","AmountInUSD":"211.546","AmountOutUSD":"227.48211368704344","Referral":"","Flags":1,"IntegrityInfo":{"KeyID":"1","Signature":"Mui6lxZdImQTVq1qfN0I6C8MMKZ7PNcisES7wGUD1V9ZnDl5aGRIRvkXJ+JSva5DKa27/oQDy6+FS/6XSe43IB3vSv4Wj/EMPbr7yraZ4OJUwWb8tTR7hWIeVx79Gfc8CuFda3CQC/Yg6GVjGr6vrOdm75QFlnsNS77HhkchnwecpTD2N5Xxpy6jt8FjaAur9sFx0egTxlqiXaPTQecWwMZk2oClNhNz9cxJ0AASVwoCJ2ayl1z8p57NThbG9oE/bi+1m2yF9CV5I9109DDPbFF3WEkIlndJZXYiRMfirjSlh+4LUbIIdMp8LAG+krWPRxkHvaU/bvSLpvEX5gM2CQ=="}}